


Cigarettes After Midnight

by goyabean



Category: Gorillaz
Genre: Heavy Angst, Sitting on balconies past 12AM, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-12-01 13:34:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11487435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goyabean/pseuds/goyabean
Summary: Set some time in the beginning of Phase 4, Murdoc realizes he hasn’t been the best father figure.





	Cigarettes After Midnight

A sliding door is slowly and carefully pushed open by a pair of stealthy hands. Well into the night, the only light comes from the various buildings and street lights that make up the major city outside. It’s fairly quiet. The only sounds being the steady flow of traffic alongside the muted voices of the few pedestrians that roam the sidewalks below. A loud squeak stops the action all together. Noodle freezes before she looks over her shoulder at the closed doors of her various bandmates and wonders if the sound was loud enough to disturb their sleep. She squeezes through the small gap she created, not wanting to risk making any more noise and closes the door behind her gently.

The air is cold, but bearably so as she makes her way to the unoccupied chairs that were included with their most recent rental. The sound of a police siren grabs her attention as she pulls out a pack of cigarettes and some matches out of her jacket pocket. She hadn’t really been too enthusiastic about the new place, as Gorillaz was known for their notorious house hopping habit, but it was better than nothing.

_It’s only temporary!_

Murdoc’s voice resounds in her head as she lights a match and brings it up to the cigarette between her teeth. She takes a drag before bringing her feet to rest up on the table that accompanied the balcony furniture. “ _It’s only temporary,_ ” she says to herself in excuse of her bad table manners, as if a nonexistence audience were present only to judge her.

She spends some time sitting in silence, watching the cars pass below her as she blows smoke from her lips. Her mind fills with curiosity as her eyes fall upon the windows of the neighboring apartments in front of her. Some are lit and some are completely dark. Her eyes fall upon a particular window, illuminated by the person or people behind it. She makes out a silhouette of a woman and keeps her eyes fixated on that particular window for a while. The woman moves about her apartment for a while, probably returning from a late night shift. A few more movements and the light shuts off completely, adding to the collection of dim windows. Noodle wonders of the various lives that take place behind each room, and wonders especially if they share similarities with her own.

 

She jumps when she hears the sliding door open indiscreetly behind her. She turns her head to see Murdoc shut the door before approaching the unoccupied seat on the opposite of the table. She takes her feet off of the table while he takes his seat, as if he were about to scold her for sitting with her feet up.

His nonverbal shows indifference as he sits quietly in front of her. He stares off into the scenery with tired and aged eyes. He hasn’t said anything for once, which only fuels Noodle’s uneasiness towards the whole situation. She casually puts her cigarette out on the bottom of her shoe when she realizes she’d never really smoked around him. It seems like the right thing to do, but he probably didn’t give a shit about the habit anyway.

As if on cue, his hand appears to her right as he holds it open.

_Did he notice?_

Wide eyes dart between his hand and the side of his head. She lowers her eyes as she shamefully pulls the pack out of her jacket and placing it in his open hand. He turns his head to look at her as he takes one out for himself before handing the pack back to her.

He takes out his own lighter before taking a drag. He brings his boots up to rest on the table; identical to her previous actions. She makes out the faintest bit of a smile on his face as she laughs to herself before taking her pack back and lighting her second cigarette. She brings her feet back up and the two of them spend some time like that; not particularly mindful of each other’s company.

 

“What are you doing out here?” Murdoc breaks the silence.

Noodle turns to the source of the voice as she watches Murdoc put out his cigarette onto the surface of the table, “Smoking,” her response is a bit delayed.

He takes another cigarette from her pack even though he has his own in his pocket, “When did that start?”

“Couple minutes ago.”

“I  _meant_ , how long have you been smoking for?”

Silence ensues again, but not as prolonged as before. Noodle speaks, “Couple years, now. I  _think_  7? Maybe 8?” She isn’t entirely sure.

He makes a face as he adjusts his position in his chair, “Really? I don’t remember,” the thought is accidentally verbalized.

“Well, I was gone for a long time.”

 

_Oh yeah._

Another silence. It’s brief but it feels like a century.

 

He doesn’t say anything to that. She wonders if he even heard her. Noodle realizes then that they haven’t really spoken much of the  _El Mañana_  incident, in fact they haven’t really spoken about it  _at all_. She wonders if he even remembered it let alone cared about it. She speaks, “I really wish I could’ve been there.”

“Where?” This time he hears her.

“Plastic Beach. To help with the album.”

“Well, I had already built the cyborg,” Murdoc says.

A beat passes between them after that. They exchange a brief glance before Murdoc puts his cigarette out onto the table. He thinks nothing of it for a moment until he realizes what he’d just said.

_We didn’t need you._

She’s staring at a fire escape, “It’s pretty weird.”

“What?”

“It’s been a long time since we’ve been together, all four of us, and it feels like nothing’s really changed,” her voice trails off at the end as she realizes how far from the truth her answer is. A lot of things have changed, maybe she was the only one who really noticed.

When she had reunited with them, 2D and Russel seemed grateful to have her back in one piece. They asked questions about her whereabouts since the incident and expressed some form of grief when she’d explained the events after her disappearance. The only thing that really bugged her since she returned was the fact that Murdoc acted as if she never left in the first place. He didn’t make many comments besides “I knew you’d be fine!” or “You were always a tough kid!”

 _Kid_. She wondered if he was aware of how much time had passed since she was 14.

She turns to look at him, the side of his face and wonders if that was just his way of coping, yet she can’t help but wonder…

“ _Did you even notice I was gone_?”

 

Silence ensues again. Because the obvious answer is  _no_.

 

Murdoc blinks a few times before flicking his cigarette off the balcony. He turns his head slowly, reluctantly because he’s expecting to see a pair of disappointed eyes looking back at him.

But she’s looking down at the scenery beneath them both. Her eyes are dull, no word fitting to describe them other than hollow. It was like sitting next to the apparition of someone he had murdered.

He realizes then that the same kid that showed up at their doorstep 17 years ago was now a young adult sitting across from him and it finally hits him that he barely got to see her grow up.

A brief image of his father passes his mind and his face curls. Why did  _he_  of all people come to mind? Wasn’t he supposed to feel remorseful about not giving two shits abou—

And then it hits him. It hits  _hard_.

 

_She never mentioned having a family._

His sinks in his chair in defeat for a moment. He thinks of himself as no better than his  _own_  father, possibly worse. Of all reasons he could’ve have given someone to hate him, nothing could have made him feel more guilty than this. And of all people—

His thoughts are interrupted by the sound of steel scraping against cement. His head turns to his right to see her standing up. She doesn’t say anything, and he realizes that he should’ve. She leaves him in silence.

 

He stays out there for the remainder of the morning.


End file.
